Sweet Caroline

lots of thoughts whirring about, which one to choose

2007-02-17T10:25:00.000-08:00

this semester has so far been quite eventful. i've done the traditional student thing, and slightly changed the direction of my degree, which at the time felt like a pretty significant deal... "does this mean i'm giving up my dream?" was a question that tormented me. i've decided that it doesn't. it's just re-direction. the passion and motivation is all still there... most of the time anyway. save when it comes to papers.

i know that 21 is incredibly young. but sometimes i fear that i'm old already. i fear time passing me by, not being able to achieve everything i want to achieve... will i ever speak multiple languages? will i ever get over my fear of public speaking, over my tendancy to stutter, to say what is on my mind? will i grow into myself enough to have the confidence i need to go out on a limb to make changes i feel need to be made? i fear the passing of time, because it's so subtle, and if you don't actively make the effort to grow and learn, you don't. i fear that change won't be made.

sometimes, when i look at the world at large, i am overcome by sadness. possibly because last week i saw two really heavy movies just about back to back, but it nonetheless jerked me into reality. first i saw Babel, then Blood Diamond. i would highly recommend both of them, but i warn you, they are movies that expose the truth: the truth that what we uphold as greatness is in fact laden with ugliness, pain, suffering. i feel it is my responsibility to do something about all this ugliness, be i one small person. but how can i do something when i myself am so ugly, so hypocritical, so a part of everything i at once hate?

i don't feel like writing endlessly about this, because we all know how this internal argument usually goes. i'm just saying, is all.

in other news, i'm living a fairly eventful life these days. for the first time in my life i had a date for valentines day, and over the past week i went to a baroque exhibit at a nearby art gallery, i went to the opera (daphne, by strauss), and last night some friends and i went to this old jazz bar with some of the most incredible live jazz i've ever heard, i positively got chills up my spine. and now it's reading break: aka, read anything but textbooks and have fun break. yaaay!

i'm so good! i'm actually posting on my blog!

would you believe...

2007-01-26T19:07:00.000-08:00

...that i haven't posted since november 12, 2006? and let's be honest, it was a bad post. i've become so indifferent to blogging that i kind of gave up. but i think i'll start again, because blogging is a great means of procrastination and feeling like i have something important to do, so.... i'll give it my best shot. i wonder if anyone even looks at this thing anyway?

whatever, i'm going to start again. maybe i'll even turn my posts into something meaningful. but let's not get our hopes up too high.

i think i'm going to end this one now. but tomorrow will be the start of something great.

ãmittõ, mittere, misi missum

2006-11-12T13:56:00.000-08:00

i just came across something kind of interesting. the latin for "to lose" also means "to let go". maybe the two really mean the same thing. maybe all this time we've been saying we've "let go" of what's bad for us, in truth, we lost it first.

i've officially become a grown up. why you ask?

2006-10-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

because i have vices. a lot of them.
i have officially become dependent on caffiene. i've been drinking coffee and tea for years, but i don't think it was ever at the point where literally all my energy was coming from them. it used to be i drank them because i enjoyed them. now i drink them because i enjoy getting through the day in one piece.

others vices... let's see...
alcohol.
cigarettes.
men who hurt me.
peanut butter.

i remember being a little kid and hearing adults talking about "adult" things. well it's official. i'm now one of them too. i'm tired and don't have time to take care of myself.

another day, another dollar.

2006-09-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

well, i'm sitting here in my living room, roommate Laurenn sitting across from me, studying. yep, i'm studying. hard at work. the silence is broken only by the thick vibrations of my entire house when a bus drives by, or by the sound of Steve, the old taxi driver who rents the suite behind us, whose persistent hacking reminds us to avoid cigarettes whenever such cravings beckon. the chill in the air reminds me that summer is becoming nothing more than a memory, and my dear little computer is begging me to press its buttons.

ps- this is my kitchen.

don't cry over spilled milk.

2006-09-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

So, i obviously don't blog anymore. i half forgot it existed. but i think i'll start up again, eventually. i recently purchased a macbook computer, and it is pretty crazy the stuff i can do with this thing. i could probaby whip this blog into amazing shape and create a cult following. well, we'll see about that...

so, in more exciting news, i moved to victoria, finally, and have made the transfer to uvic. i am loving living in victoria so far. i am so happy to finally be moved out on my own. it's about damn time. needless to say, the place i'm living is pretty incredible. i will say more, and maybe even put up some pictures soon... but not now, because i haven't technically had the internet connected to my house yet, and am running off a really sketchy wireless connection that may or may not last through my typing of this post. so until next time, which i promise to my audience which has probably dwindled down to zero, that there is more in store.

a sort of not quite ode to romanticism or something of that general nature.

2006-07-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

it is certain that reason is inextricibly linked with our humanity. one cannot possibly separate our day to day, moment to moment decisions from that word so popular among the enlightened... reason is always there, guiding us along. this is reasons place. i'm no sailor, but let's call reason the map. it tells us the general direction we need to go. however, sometimes it's inaccurate. reason is not always reflective of our drive, our passions, the intonnation of our beating heart. the enlightened tend to forget this. extremists go so far as to overlook that reason can also be deceptive. brilliant, almost flawless logic can be used to justify some of the worst decisions ever made. in this way, reason is just as abstract as following one's heart, as following what we may perhaps call instinct. now, remove the map from the picture, and instinct serves as a compass, telling one where to go even though there are no points plotted before him. the compass has a mind of its own. you can't quite draw it out on paper, you can't quite grasp it in your hand, and you sure as hell can't predict its every move or back up previous moves with logic. but it exists nonetheless, and has baffled many with its accuracy. go figure.

my life is better than yours.

2006-07-11T23:07:00.000-07:00

so here's the story:

i'm at the gym today, and i notice some girl i went to highschool with, with whom i never really interacted in the least... she's on some cardio machine, doing her thing. we'll call her girl A. up comes girl B, onto the machine next to her.
"Hey girl A!!! How ARE you? It has been soooo long!!" She is positively dripping fake enthusiasm.
"Good, good. Thanks for asking."
"So, how's your daughter? How old is she now? She must be getting big!"
"Yeah, she is, she's almost five years old. She's doing great. Really coming into her own."
"Wow, yeah, that's just like, so awesome. I can't believe so much time has passed. I can't believe how old she is getting. I just can't believe it. Well, I guess you did have her when you like 16, so yeah, I guess that makes sense."
"Yeah, yeah, it does. Time flies. So how are you doing?"
"Oh I have this AMAZING job right now, I just love it. Life is great. And I'm dating this really great guy... actually I think we're probably going to get married within the next year."
"Wow, congratulations."
"Yeah, it's awesome. He's just all anyone could ask for. So what about you? You got married to your daughters father, right?"
"Um, no. We dated for a while but broke up."
"Oh, well THAT's OKAY! I'm sure there's someone out there for you."
"Yeah."

.... silence.

I thought ridiculous people like girl B existed only in the movies when they blatantly mock retarded people. I guess I was wrong. They DO exist.

food for thought.

2006-06-26T21:51:00.000-07:00

You Are 53% Bitchy

Generally, you're an average woman, with average moods. But sometimes... well, watch out!Sometimes, you let your mean side get the better of you. And you enjoy every minute of it.

How Bitchy Are You?

a couple legitimate reasons to make fun of caroline:

2006-06-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

*caroline brushes her teeth with zit cream at a friends place, thinking it is just funny tasting "organic" toothpaste.
*caroline speeds off the road and up a dead end gravel construction site late at night, learning WHY it is illegal for her to drive without glasses.....

this isn't even self-depracation. it is just so ridiculous, i can hardly believe it isn't made up.

this is about to get personal

2006-06-16T18:55:00.000-07:00

i hate stupid fuckwits who roam the streets like the own the place. how dare they!? how dare stupid said fuckwit douchebags lie, manipulate, lie, manipulate, pull at caroline's heart strings, and then roam the streets, sitting outside the only coffeeshop in fucking abbotsford that sells homemade deluxe cheesecake which i cannot live without, waiting for me to come walking through after a long 9 hour day at work, sweaty and stinky and greasy in ugly work clothes when i'm having a fat day. HOW DARE THEY? said fuckwit (not plural, but i'm sure there are more out there) must learn to live in holes and pine over me forever, regretting hurting and messing with me even more than he will regret the day that he was ever born. i don't think i've ever felt so nauseous and sick in such a quick split second in all my life. i was so flustered i didn't even order the right cheesecake. what's worse, i lost my appetite altogether. stupid fuckwit. PAY.

help...?

2006-06-14T22:57:00.000-07:00

i decided to finally try to put a couple links on my blog, since apparently it's the thing to do. but have you tried clicking on any of my links? it doesn't work. i have no idea why, nor the slightest clue how to fix it, because i have problems and technology doesn't like me.

journal entry from february 18, 2006

2006-06-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

Is the past ever truly what we imagine it to have been? In the instant I look through pictures- captured moments frozen in time, never to again repeat themselves- I wonder, was it in fact as magical I remember? Did I recognize at that moment how lucky I was, how perfect things were, how carefree? (Or conversely, how painful?) Did I feel the magic of the moment then, or does the magic only come into existence long after the moment has passed? Are things we hold onto (nostalgia), ever really that great? Or are we simply living in some kind of illusion, making ourselves believe in something that never really happened? Maybe the past is all we have. It's the only concrete yet abstract thing we can truly romanticize.

ideas i love, as written by Milan Kundera...

2006-06-10T13:29:00.000-07:00

People are always shouting they want to create a better future. It's not true. The future is an apathetic void of no interest to anyone. The past is full of life, eager to irritate us, provoke and insult us, tempt us to destroy or repaint it. The only reason people want to be masters of the future is to change the past. They are fighting for access to the laboratories where photographs are retouched and biographies and histories rewritten.
From The Book of Laughter and Forgetting

What she had unexpectedly met there in the village church was not God; it was beauty. She knew perfectly well that neither the church nor the litany was beautiful in and of itself, but they were beautiful compared to the construction site, where she spent her days amid the racket of the songs. The mass was beautiful because it appear to her in a sudden, mysterious revelation as a world betrayed.
From that time on she had known that beauty is a world betrayed. The only way we can encounter it is if its persecutors have overlooked it somewhere. Beauty hides behind the scenes of the May Day parade. If we want to find it, we must demolish the scenery.
From The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Johnson st. is where the magic will be happening....

2006-06-04T23:39:00.000-07:00

so here's an exciting little tidbit- i am officially moving to victoria this september. it is no longer a pipe dream, it is real.... today, with my dear dear dear sisters (sisters with different misters... oooh i'm SO lame), Laurenn and Laura, i signed a lease for a fabulous place a 10 minute walk from downtown and a short bike ride from UVic. it's in a house over 100 years old, has gorgeous mouldings... it's funky and beautiful and all ours. aah.

anyways, i promise soon i'll be whipping this blog into shape and will just wow the pants off all of you oh-so-eager-fans. i truly, (well, half-heartedly), apologize for my complete ineptitude where blogging is concerned. i promise my skills will perk up. summer's here, and i have nothing but fun things to do and write about.... i just hope i don't drive others to depression as my life is so fabulous and as such, i suspect, will induce nothing but jealousy and self-pity to all those less fortunate souls.

i hope whoever reads this understands sarcasm. because i'm seriously talking out of my ass.

oh, another thing. i just can't get enough of milan kundera. i'm basically inhaling everything he's written. his words and ideas just massage my brain and soul. aaaah indulgence. aaah books.... aaah, i think i'm going to go and partake riiiiight now....

meh.

2006-05-11T09:11:00.000-07:00

i'm kind of bored of blogging. well obviously, because i never update this one. it is a struggle, i will not lie. so to bring all you fans up to speed on what is going on in my oh-so-fabulous life: i went to montreal, i'm now working at the daycare, i've read some great books lately, and have been writing a little bit of satire here and there.... well, sort of. so, i could share in more detail all these things, but i'm just too damn lazy. so, not today. i'd rather read my book... how about i throw you a little bone and post some pictures? that might do that trick, and make this post seem a little more substantial, even though i can say affirmatively, that whoever just read this little paragraph just wasted about 30.5 seconds of his life.

you change all the lead, sleepin' in my head, after the day grows dim, singin' a golden hymn.

2006-04-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

so i signed up for hi5 in 2005; a short lived amusement. i just remembered that i wrote a couple "journal" entries, and so i thought i would go on to read them. it's funny reading this, because this entry literally defines a good couple years of my life. a time when i wanted to feel things, but couldn't because i had unwittingly barracaded my heart with suspicion, cynicism, and self-doubt. you never truly realize how you have or are changing until you grasp in your hands a tangible representation of the past, which bears no ressemblance to the present. i don't know when it happened, but layers upon layers of cynicism have been shed from my body, mind, and heart. it's a whole new era of optimism, of romanticism, of beauty. aaaah. hate me. i would too.

Oct. 14, 2005
hmmmm..... it is 11 in the morning. i've done a couple hours of reading already, and i have a lot more to go. friday is my day of no school or anything, and so i try to solely dedicate it to homework. but obviously, i get a little distracted... music for one thing distracts me. i absolutely cannot have it on just as background noise. if it is playing, i will stop everything and fully immerse myself in it. there is nothing quite as self indulgent as music, i believe. as time goes by, i feel like i am growing more and more cynical about such things as love. finding it just doesn't seem like an option, or something that i am functional enough to do. so music is what keeps me an emotional, feeling person with a responsive heart. from time to time, it gives me the illusion of being in love. illusion isn't such a bad thing. love, relationships... they're overrated. well.. maybe i wouldn't know. but it's what i tell myself, and it's working for me so far. hm. am i cynical? noooooo. not me. ick. i got a new mouse for my computer, and i don't like it. hmmm.. it would be nice to have someone to listen to music with though...

in other news, i just finished my last exam today, got 90% on a paper, and am leaving for Montreal tomorrow morning..... i will spend the entirety of the flight reading this book i have fallen in love with. "immortality" by kundera. it's beautiful. life is beautiful. maybe i'm just so happy because it is FINALLY sunny outside.

i'm bad i'm bad, you know it, i'm bad

2006-04-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

this is how we celebrate easter here in abbotsford. we have an 80's dance party. or rather, my friend laura has an 80's dance party. it was bitchin. never in my life have i felt so hot and so hideous all at the same time. oooh glory. surprisingly, after busting some crazy aerobic-yet-far-more-erratic dance moves last night, i'm very sore. my neck and my shoulders hurt so bad. i was whipping it around like there was no tomorrow..... loves it.

ready or not, here i come....

2006-04-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

..... montreal. thanks to all of your generous contributions to my help-caroline-have-fun-this-summer-and-go-to-montreal fund, the dream is going to become a reality in just a couple short weeks, the day after my last exam. i'm on my way to a fabulous euro-like metro system, fabulous shopping, fabulous cultural activities, fabulous frenchies, and of course, fabulous friends. endless conversation under the open night sky accompanied by wine and good music, here i come.....

journal entry from april 10, 2006

2006-04-11T13:01:00.000-07:00

it's a monday like any other. the sky is a dusty shade of grey, which matches perfectly the colour of my mood. i am disappointed in the human race. i don't at the moment have the taste to tell the sordid tale, but simply the desire to state that i am not bouncing off the walls with excitement right now. once again, i am reminded not to put my faith in imperfect man who fails me, but into God will never leave nor forsake me. it's a bittersweet revelation, which in time, i know, will be shed of its tart flavour and again taste ripe, fresh, and delicious in my mouth. it is so true, that God is so gracious and so loving and so infintely good. the more acquainted i become with life's sting, the more i realize how he's the only thing worth putting any faith into at all. i am reminded of this verse in psalms, which has always brought me much comfort-

27:13-14, "I would have despaired unless i had believed that i would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord."

this is all i can do. it is everything i have.

i want to be where the people are...

2006-04-08T11:00:00.000-07:00

ugh. don't ask why these pictures refuse to get any bigger. i could just omit them altogether, but that would mean putting no pictures up at all of people whom i dearly love. first picture, the girl in the green shirt is sonita, the girl with me in the middle pic and the last one is julia, (dear, dear julia), and the girl with her in the last one is caroline. another caroline! ah. so, the sad thing is that these dear girls live in montreal, and i miss them terribly. oh so terribly. i talked to julia briefly last night for the first time in months, and it made me ache. absolutely ache. i think i need to go to montreal. riiiiiight now. or soon. so i need some money. so if anyone wants to help, you can make a donation to the "help caroline have fun this summer and go to montreal" fund. it's a really good cause.

Grrrrrr

2006-04-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

In this spirit of narcissism and fluff, here i am modelling a sweater my friend Dan crocheted for me. He took it yesterday as he is putting together his portfolio for the fashion design program at school. yep, he's going to be a designer and kick ass. this was the first clothing item he ever made (i think), and without a pattern or anything. so props to him. and to me, because i like this picture. i look pretty pissed off.

everything is imperfect and nothing is the way it should be...

2006-03-31T18:42:00.000-08:00

thus, character comes into play.

what you want might make you cry,
and what you need might pass you by
if you don't catch it.

and what you need ironically
will turn out what you want to be
if you just let it.

so, excuse the cheese of me quoting a song from ages ago, but it has come to my mind at this particular time, for various reasons of a personal nature. the point is, applying your head knowledge when you don't feel like it is probably one of the hardest things to do. but it must be done. it must be done to build character, it must be done to self-protect. and so i go, forging ahead, attempting to build some kind of character, knowing that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger.

and the earth shattering news of the day is.....

2006-03-24T16:27:00.000-08:00

tongue rings are bad. especially when you take a bite of an apple only to spit out a piece of tooth like i did today. you'd think after having it for over 18 months i'd have the hang of it by now. apparently not. i think i need to take it out, for the protection and safety of the rest of my teeth. but i can't seem to bring myself to do it. yes, it's a stupid, useless hole in my tongue that serves no purpose, but i've oddly grown attached to it. secretly, it makes me feel cool. but sssh, don't tell!

see how cool it makes me look!?!?! see, see!! how can i possibly part with this? i'll be soooo much less cool without it.

look at me go

2006-03-19T16:21:00.000-08:00

could this be my third post in a week? wow, i'm so hardcore.

anyways, i was just reading something i wrote probably a month or so ago, more or less complaining, blaming my own cynicism on others (i think i quote fiona apple). so, i kind of want to retract that. even though it was quite a while ago that i said it all. allow me to explain...

i had a really refreshing conversation this morning. a friend of mine was telling me how she can't stand all these goons who walk around somber-faced, emo, and depressed, because of all of the punches life has thrown their way. yep. living in suburban abbotsford, drowning your sorrows in cds and machiatos definitely can be pretty traumatizing. it sucks when your parents don't understand you, when things aren't as perfect as you'd like them to appear, when you're bogged down by inner turmoil because life is just sooo hard. yep. i feel really sorry for those people.

well, this is getting a little off-topic. this isn't to be insensitive, but i'm saying this because i think we really need to be wary of the feeling-sorry-for-ourselves-because-life-is-so-hard syndrome. it is rampant. my friend, who i'll call sally, is a pretty awesome human being. she has endured her fair share of actual real life crap, and is maybe one of the happiest people i know. she was telling me, how yeah, things aren't perfect, there are things she needs to deal with all the time, and the past is largely still present. does this give her the right to whine about it? no, she said. she's an adult. bad things happen. she isn't about to let circumstances ruin her life, or dictate to her who she is. instead, she's going to accept and deal with them, giving them to God. not to preach, because frankly, preaching via the internet really isn't my thing, but seriously give you're problems to God, take joy in this freedom, and rest. this is, in fact, being responsible. this is what she said. and i concur. yeah, bad things happen, and obviously, being human, we're sometimes going to fall down and even wallow a little. maybe a lot, depending on what's happened to us. but i think it's important to have perspective, and realize that we're only burdening others by needlessly despairing, and we're stunting our own growth as individuals. i don't know about you, but i want to take responsibility for myself.... otherwise, ten, twenty years down the road, i'll have made little progress in this business we call growing up.

here's to finishing my thoughts

2006-03-15T08:53:00.000-08:00

excuse me in advance: this is probably going to be redundant and long-winded..

of course i could never actually hate music. but as i said before with the ipods, i hate seeing it become a trend. what's worse, maybe even a little hypocritical as i've kiiinda jumped on the indie band wagon, simply because i do appreciate a fair amount of the music, it seems that so much of this music that people are selling their souls for these days is just made to be hip and emotional. (of course, this is nothing new, but sometimes things like this just kind of hit you). people are constantly plugged into their music, using it as a tool to keep them from thinking real thoughts, feeling real feelings, or really experiencing moment-to-moment life for that matter. if you experiment and go a week or so without any music, you'll find yourself to be much more emotionally centered. well, that is the case with me anyways. i feel that our culture has gone too far with escapism, and instead of truly sitting down to really LISTEN to music and appreciate it, we have it constantly playing all the time, probing at our emotions, making us feel falsely alive. instead of an art form, we have warped music into another one of the many distractions we use to keep us from boredom, to keep us from being alone with ourselves, and seeing things as they are. we use it to give us purpose, identity, etc. i have always been passionate about the music i love, but lately i've just been realizing that we need to be careful. music need not be deified. it is, and should remain, an artists means of expression. we can appreciate and draw from this, but we must be wary not to get so caught up in the expressions of others that we lose our impressions of ourselves in the midst.

i think we need to start asking ourselves when our music is constantly droning on, what is it we're afraid of hearing when its turned off? why do we have it playing? can we stand the silence? when we're left with just ourselves, can we handle it? i for one want to live an authentic life. i want to know that my emotions are real, not triggered by the hip band of the day. i want to live a rich, meaningful life, that doesn't rely on popular culture to get me there. i see it happening though. and it scares me. (not to say music is the only means by which people do this either.... but i think you get my drift).

this all being said, don't take me as someone who think it's bad to indulge once in a while. music can be a tremendous comfort, it can inspire, it can make us feel less alone, it can be something we can relate to. this is all good. but too much of a good thing is generally not so good anymore.

i've rambled long enough...

this is a pathetic excuse for a blog. i know.

2006-03-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

well, it is a free country after all, so i don't have to update if i don't want to.
you may call me a perfectionist... i mean, i'm not a perfectionist in the sense that i feel my room has to be clean all the time, or that the caps have to be on the bottles, or that the toilet paper role absolutely neeeeds to be immediately changed, but i guess you could say that i only like doing certain things when i know i will do them right. like taking time to relax, for example. i only like to do it if i know that i'll have a whole day of blissful solitude, where no one will interupt me, and no work will be on my mind. aaah, yeah, i guess that's kind of everyone's dream. we all can't have what we want though, and i guess i should just get over all of that, because who am i kidding? days like that are sparce. sparce man, sparce.
so this largely has nothing to do with anything, the sky is currently a velvety blackish purple, i'm wearing my shoes and a coat, i got bangs cut the other day that i think are too short, but in the heat of the moment i just decided to chop them all short and thick. i think i was indirectly influenced by the audrey hepburn picture i've had as my desktop for some months now. the only sound i am currently listening to is the monotonous hum of the computer, the heater, and my fingers deftly clacking away at the keys like they were destined to type and somehow just vomit up all the words that are in my head faster than i am thinking them. grade 6, typing tutor. that's the reason i type so freaking fast today. will wonders ever cease?
better yet, will i ever give a damn enough to actually do anything meaningful to this blog?
will i get over my perfectionism, so as to update it regularly enough, even if they aren't stellar posts?
let's face it. i don't really give a crap about gaining a quasi-household name in the world of blogging, i don't feel it is necessary to tell stories about my day, and i don't feel like spilling my guts out of the drama that has been pressing down on all sides of my mind and body over the past week, which is most likely all in my head because i'm such a freaking drama queen. i don't know what to say.

except that.. well, i'm frustrated with school, i'm frustrated with myself. i feel hopelessly mediocre, my motivation is waning, i'm being forced to learn all the intricacies involved in adam smith's invisible hand theory, for which i could give less than a tickers damn. i'm finding it harder and harder to crack my books open, and am thus more and more overwhelmed, and it depresses me horribly. i have so much passion, so many dreams, so many ambitions. yet when it comes down to it, i don't know where to direct them all, and i feel hapless and pathetic, caught between a rock and a hard place. i'm just not talking about school anymorre.. i'm now alluding to a moral dilemma i'm currently facing. maybe it's all because of lent, which i decided to give a go at this year. in attempting to be self-disciplined, i've been forced to realize what an unself-controlled wretch i am, who kicks and screams when she doesn't get her way. temptations are stronger than ever before, they are weighing down on me, and not to spiritualize things, because i usually hate it when people do that, but there is this awful spiritual battle going on, and i know that i am handling it all wrong. the harder i try and fight it, the more difficult it becomes. instead of really giving it to God and being at peace with things, i'm constantly tormenting myself, grasping firmly onto all these ridiculous things so tightly that my freaking knuckles are turning white. i'm in a shitty mood right now, and i have nothing else to say, except the same old same old, which is that i hate ipods, and now, i'm starting to get really pissed off at music in general. yes, i know i went on a rant recently about how music is becoming nothing more than a trend, but it goes far deeper than that. and since, in true caroline fashion, i always finally get to the really meaty, juicy thoughts right at the end of my post, and then end it before i really articulate them, i think i'll do it again. soon, i promise. i will explain to the five or less people who read this blog, why exactly i feel this way.

i think i need to do something big...

2006-02-19T09:46:00.000-08:00

...for this blog. because apparently, it isn't very interesting. so um, here are some pictures i took of myself yesterday when i was supposed to be studying, and i decided instead to play with the different camera modes.

okay, let's be honest. this is not thrilling.

do you know what is thrilling though? or rather enraging? how people have no idea what they stand for anymore, and our education systems are so bad that kids go from kindergarden to grade 12 not learning jack squat about what is actually going on in our country, and live apolitically in their sheltered little microcosmic world for the rest of their lives. i personally, believe that we need to start teaching political theory from elementary school on. i personally, believe that to be a citizen is to be political. the air we breath, the taxes we pay, the schools we go to, it's all political. why don't people see this? why don't people see they need to be involved? oooh God help us all. i know one thing. i refuse to sit on the sidelines doing nothing for the rest of my life, letting our country go to crap in the hands of the elites who are essentially turning our country into a merry go round of referendum jargon and the like. frankly, i think there is more to it than that.

don't mind my rant. i swear i'm not this bitchy all the time.
maybe it's because i recently read this book:
this scares me. considering the fact that it's written by one Canada's leading intellectuals, i think he's largely missing the point when he addresses who we are as a country. he doesn't get it. and apparently, this is the stuff we're all supposed to bow down to and agree with. it lacks substance. maybe on another occasion, i'll explain a little more. but for now, it's time for me to get dressed.

music is to be enjoyed. it is not to be exploited.

2006-02-12T17:55:00.001-08:00

okay, so i don't know if saying "exploited" is really the term i am looking for, but it's the only word that comes to mind at this current time. is it just me, or has music, a form of expression which is so sacred and so beautiful, become nothing more than a fast track to an identity for people who don't know what else to say? don't get me wrong. i love music. it is one of my greatest passions. give me anything with soul, anything with depth, anything that has had serious thought put into it, anything that can reach into me and awaken something that might have been asleep, and i can build a lifetime of conversations around it. if i talk about it, it is because i can't help not to.

so this is where problems arise. some people seem to use music, or exploit it if you will, for the sake of talking at all. i'm sick of music, this beautiful form of art that is meant to be enjoyed and experienced, being used as a form of identity. no offense to people who do this, but i am SICK of reading peoples profiles and they have miles on end listing of all the music they "love". yeah right. just because you know a song by a band doesn't give you the right to try and use them to make yourself into some kind of cookie-cutter, run of the mill band-aid, or whatever the hell it is that people are trying to be these days. this could, of course, be solved by me not reading people's profiles. but even if i didn't, the problem would still exist. basically, all i want to say is, discover it, listen to it, be passionate about it, share it, fine. but don't use it as a mask to hide behind. that was never its intended use.

the name game

2006-02-02T21:06:00.000-08:00

so funny story. i'm at school today, and i run into a friend of mine. he's sitting on a couch, and i join him.. we somehow get to talking about the awkwardness that is the result of a simple conversation of small talk. people face these situations from day to day. you see someone you used to know and make eye contact. by our cultures standards, it is almost unavoidable not to go and give the old, "hi, how are you, been a long time, what are you doing these days" conversation. by a rule of thumb, this should last about three minutes, but five or six if you're really on the ball and have great social skills. so the next time you run into the person, you have neither the desire nor the time to have the same conversation again, on top of which, it simply doesn't make sense to, and you have limited things to talk about with this person. so you just give the overly enthusiastic smile and a nice wave. slowly but surely, you graduate to the smile and nod, until you start pretending that you didn't see them altogether, and then eventually, even if you do make eye contact, you both can pretend that you are strangers, and that 3-5 minute conversation never happened....
so all the while i'm saying this, i'm looking at the couch opposite us, noticing there's a girl who looks a little familiar, but can't quite put my finger on who she might be. eventually, she gets up and leaves. my friend gets up and tells me he also is going to go. i mention to him that it's funny we just had that conversation about awkwardness because i think in the midst of it i kind had that very experience of recognizing someone but not knowing how to react. i suddenly remember her name. he laughs and tells me he noticed that she looked up at us talking and kind of smiled a couple times. so i'm thinking that she heard our conversation, and also recognized me. so in the context of this sitaution, you will probably understand why i now feel like a giant tool.
to add to this, i go to my next class to sit with a girl whom i have had two classes with last semester, and with whom i have sat every class we have together this semester. i still don't know her name. should i just ask her? or wait till she goes to the bathroom to search her purse? i feel awkward constantly. is there an appropriate etiquette for situations like these? is it possible to figure out her name while keeping the level of awkwardness at a minimum? is awkwardness simply unavoidable? or should i simply surrender to saying "hey, you!" for the rest of the semester, perpetuating a silent awkwardness produced by the fact that i'm really screaming "I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME" every time i say "hey you"? hmm, there are about 9 weeks left of the semester. which fate should i choose?

cat stevens will live forever.

2006-02-01T18:52:00.000-08:00

Well I think it’s fine,
building jumbo planes.
Or taking a ride on a cosmic train.
Switch on summer from a slot machine.
Yes, get what you want to if you want,
’cause you can get anything.
I know we’ve come a long way,
We’re changing day to day,
But tell me,
where do the children play?
Well you roll on roads over fresh green grass.
For your lorry loads pumping petrol gas.
And you make them long,
and you make them tough.
But they just go on and on,
and it seems that you can’t get off.
Oh, I know we’ve come a long way,
We’re changing day to day,
But tell me,
where do the children play?
Well you’ve cracked the sky,
scrapers fill the air.
But will you keep on building higher
’til there’s no more room up there?
Will you make us laugh,
will you make us cry?
Will you tell us when to live,
will you tell us when to die?
I know we’ve come a long way,
We’re changing day to day,
But tell me,
where do the children play?

par hasard

2006-01-20T19:47:00.000-08:00

agitated pounding heart, white clenched fists, shortness of breath, lack of energy, tired to death......
what do you do when you're living in someone else's mess? when you are happy and your own life itself is not the cause of any major emotional erruptions... yet others bring you into their own misery of which you absolutely should not be a part of; of which it does not make logical sense for you to be a part of. yet somehow you are, somehow you're trapped in this sick cycle which presses on both sides of you so heavily, and stretches you so thin. these situations force you to self protect by isolating yourself from any other situation similar to the one you're in the midst of. you become slightly cold hearted, slightly unfeeling, a little numb. you forget what it is like to long, to crave affection, to feel normal. something that should not so much as touch you has changed you. completely without your consent, you are forced to bear the anger and heartbreak of those who have used you as a mediator. it isn't fair, it isn't right, yet there you are.

Sullen Girl- Fiona Apple
Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself
All day and all night
I wander the halls along the walls
and under my breath
I say to myself
I need fuel to take flight
And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves,
in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

Is that why they call me a sullen girl, sullen girl
They don't know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea
But he washed me shore and he took my pearl
And left an empty shell of me
And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
It's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

something i once scrawled on a scrap piece of paper.

2006-01-17T22:42:00.000-08:00

who dreams of a flag
with tattered seams
and faded art
flapping freely
despite the cold wind's grasp,
as only a remnant of shadows past?
who dreams of rolling lands
plunging forth
to the scape of heaven and sea,
that stretch beyond word
yet exist within reason?
who dreams of wiry beards
stiff with electricity,
of paralyzed heart
and immobile feet?
of aimless soul,
of peace sans war?
who seeks the flag
without the fight?
who braves the day
without waging battle
at night?

i just need help

2006-01-12T22:43:00.000-08:00

i am computer incompitent. if you scroll down this blog, you will see that it will repeat itself. i don't know how i did that, but in attempt to restore haloscan back, i somehow managed to do this. i don't know what to do. i am not an avid blogger, but i still like to know that if i want to blog, it is in the format i like. and it isn't. this is retarded. so now, not only is haloscan still not working, but my blog is even more messed up.... could i be more redundant? did i just use the word "blog" about a million times in this one sentence? i sound like the rainman. yes. this is what being at school today for 12.5 hours does to me... yes, that's right. i was at school for 12.5 hours. my life is one big fat adventure... hmm... i feel like posting a picture.. let me see what i have here.. (if you can picture it, i'm pretending that you're right here, whoever you are, and i'm flipping through some old dusty boxes, trying to find something to show you, as though you're my grand-child....)

okay, so these pictures make me laugh considerably. they were taken quite a few months ago, and some of us were bored, so christina and i decided to have a fashion show. i wonder what could have made us decide that?

gaah!

2006-01-08T19:38:00.000-08:00

third post in one day. this is a record for me. i'm such an idiot! i decided to experiment and change my template, and it deleted all my comments. on top of that, i accidentally got rid of my haloscan thing, and now i'm trying to re-do it, and it's not working for some reason. arrrggg. could life GET any harder?!

bombshell

2006-01-08T19:18:00.000-08:00

my new look. i've never been so blonde before. i've never loved my hair this much. this is a shallow post. and i look super lame in this picture. oh well. i could care less. i love my hair.

in my life

2006-01-08T18:59:00.000-08:00

there are places i remember
all my life,though some have changed.
some forever, not for better
some have gone and some remained.
all these places have their moments
with lovers and friends i still can recall
some are dead and some are living, in my life i've loved them all.

this is my all time favourite song (if you didn't know, it's the first verse of "in my life" by the beatles). i've been singing it to myself for years through ever experience i've had. today i'm singing it to nikki and brittany, two of my dear friends who are both very far away from me, and who i wish could be a little closer.

i'm feeling lucky

2006-01-02T09:14:00.000-08:00

this year started off on a lucky foot. it was 2:30 in the morning, and i was driving home with my dear friend brittany, listening to music, eating some crackers... when suddenly, i saw my friend larry walking down the road with a couple of people which was pretty coincidental, because i had been thinking that day "i haven't seen larry for a while". so there he was, and of course i had to stop and say hi. i was at a red light, so i managed to get in a "hi, happy new year" in. i continued driving, but really wanted to say more, so i pulled a u-turn. there were literally no cars on the road, so i didn't see the harm. unfortunately, for the first time in my life, a cop saw me and the lights went on and he pulled me over! so i pulled over, and then.. lucky me.. the cop just decided to turn his lights off and keep driving instead. so i sure am lucky. could it be a sign? probably not. but i'll take it as one anyways...
so happy new year! make this one count!

la dolce vita...

2005-12-22T18:49:00.000-08:00

i've come to realize that i've been lying to myself for a good several years. i've been lying to think that underneath all the cutting remarks and knowing looks, i haven't been battling against a sort of regressive metamorphosis. i've been told one way or another to be a "nice girl", not to talk out of turn, not to speak my mind if i'll offend, not to swear when i'm all riled up, and to sit and listen when the bigger, more "important" people want to talk about themselves. i've realized that i'm tired of being told to be quiet when i can't help being loud, and tired of being told to be something else... something more tame, something more generic, something more acceptable to a certain demographic. i've come to the conclusion that i love who i am too much to kid myself into thinking that i'm acceptable to those who clearly live in a different world than i, and to whose standards i will never measure up. even if that means stumbling across loneliness from time to time. i think gloria gaynor said it best when she sang, " i will survive"... and i will. quite happily, i believe.

I'm going C.R.A.Z.Y.

2005-12-20T10:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I know I said I'd talk about Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, but I think I put off discussing it a little too long, and now I no longer feel like it. So I'll sum up and say it met my low expectations. It was a good film for kids, but in no way did it compare with my imagination all these years. I didn't feel the characters were developed very well, and it never seemed to linger when it should have. It felt a little rushed in general. I kind of wish they never made a movie out of that cherished book. Anyways, that's all I really want to say regarding that.

What I do want to talk about is the movie C.R.A.Z.Y I saw in Tinseltown the other day. It's playing up until the 22nd or 23rd, and I would highly recommend it to anyone. It's a Québecois film, so I warn you, it's in french. But it was fantastic. It was playing months ago when I was in Quebec and I never actually took the time to see it. I feel very fortunate that I got to see it the other night. It is possibly one of the best films I've ever seen. And it's Canadian! I have not seen many Canadian (or Québecois) films that I was very impressed with at all. This was a definite exception. Not only did it give the audience a sense of Québecois culture, but it boldly delved into the subject of homosexuality on a level that I have never seen Hollywood attempt to do (perhaps this is because I have not seen all that many movies). Instead of making light of homosexuality as every movie seems to do, C.R.A.Z.Y. seeks to exploit the pain and suffering many people secretly struggle with by telling the story of one boy who grows up in a family of five boys. Zac (the main character), is engaged in an on-going battle with his identity, fighting his differences with everything he has, as different means being a "fairy" who is unacceptable in his father's, and generally everyone else's sight. It was pretty powerful. It also helps that the movie takes place roughly from the sixties to the eighties, so there's lots of disco and funny pants which definitely keep you thoroughly entertained. I'm no movie critic... not even a little bit... but I give it two thumbs up just because I'm that cool. (it also helps that the main character is really cute).

a song for someone who needs somewhere to long for...

2005-12-12T23:37:00.000-08:00

well, i have to say, i'm excited. tired and headachy at the moment... just had a glass of wine to unwind. i just watched seinfeld.. first half an hour of tv i've watched over the past several weeks (not including top model.. by the way nicole won, which i'm so happy about. i almost cried when she walked down the runway). needless to say, physically, i'm depleted. yet emotionally, i'm content. similar to what many people of my kind have been experiencing, i have been faced with the crappiness of exam time... papers, non-stop studying, and stress pretty much sum up my past couple of weeks (with the exception of a couple fun things... saw lion the witch and the wardrobe a couple days ago, which i'll give my opinion on later). So anyways, I just did my last exam a couple hours ago. today was my day of ridiculous amounts of writing. my right hand feels abused and overworked. my brain is exhausted. my body is in need of eight hours straight of sleep. my mind is in need of pleasure reading, of music, of peace.... but i'm so happy. being done exams is wonderful. ironically, i'm so excited for next semester.

ps... sweetest thing happened today. my grade 4 neighbour boy Cole brought over cookies he made... i got a giant personalized one with my name on it. aren't children just precious!? I feel so warm and fuzzy.

i love my dog as much as i love you...

2005-12-03T21:00:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know Cat Stevens, my title for this post is from a song of his. just thought i'd inform you. my dog shelby is absolutely precious. she's also a little tomboy.... which actually adds to her cuteness, but it's kind of odd, because she pees with her leg up like a boy, even though she's never really been influenced by any male dogs. go figure.

oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful...

2005-11-30T22:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here's what I don't get. It is snowing outside. It is COLD. I am wearing long-johns for crying out loud. I am at school in the library, and there is this girl wearing a little strapless shirt that is almost a tube-top. I mean, are you KIDDING? Who are these people? Number one, it didn't look nice. Number two, it is cold. Cold cold cold. Outdoors and even indoors. How desperately do you want attention? Honestly. I see girls at school with their chest hanging out like they're at the mirage. (a non-classy club). Fine, if you're going out, dress up. I'm all for it. But at school? Seriously? is it necessary? give me a break. That is just my opinion of course.

... in other news, I am feeling ultra-festive this year, which is surprising because I haven't had the Christmas spirit in years. The secret? Don't watch tv or go to malls. It also helps if you get to work at a daycare and watch Christmas movies with tiny little wide eyed children like I got to do. little people are so precious.

I miss summer....this is why:

2005-11-29T15:58:00.000-08:00

<----- don't even question it.

there is no doubt in your eyes

2005-11-26T10:39:00.000-08:00

I love this photo. It was produced one afternoon when I decided to do something other than what I was supposed to do (homework). go figure.

In other news, I broke my right foot on Thursday. just kidding. but I thought I did. Here's the story. I was going up the stairs, and being the clumsy person I am, I fell. my first thought was, "I BROKE MY FOOT!" it hurt like a banchee. I sat there for a second wanting to cry like the baby I am. Eventually though, with the help of the banister, (and some nursing to my ego), I managed to stand up and walk around. I felt like Tiny Tim. But then I went to the gym, which I don't think Tiny Tim did. The point is, by this time my little spill on the stairs was completely forgotten, and life (I thought) would go on as normal. Afterwards, however, was when the agony started setting in. After my workout I sat down for a couple minutes. Upon getting up i felt this surging pain as though something in my foot had been completely crushed. I just couldn't bring myself to put weight on it. So all of friday I hobbled around like some pathetic little lame decrepit person, absolutely convinced beyond belief that I needed to go and get some x-rays, because the only possible explanation was that SOMETHING was broken. it turns out that there is another explanation: I'm just a sissy. I CAN walk, I WILL play the piano again, and will even one day get to walk all by myself down the aisle at my wedding (or as the bridesmaid of someone elses) without the assistance of a cane or wheelchair. the point is, I think I'll live. sometimes I just can't believe how melodramatic I am.

Download this: "Hairy Trees" by Goldfrapp. I love it. If anyone knows how to make it so that your blog has music accompanying it, tell me, because I want this song to play.

Oh Canada

2005-11-23T21:05:00.000-08:00

So I have to say, I'm frustrated. Frustrated that no one seems to know what it is to be Canadian. We define ourselves either by hockey and beavers, or the simple fact that apparently, we're not Americans. Hockey and beavers (as well as Mounties, maple syrup, etc) are slightly shallow excuses for identity, and not being American is equally a cop-out. Unfortunately, we're becoming more American every day. We have completely lost our sense of history, and have spread our legs to the U.S. so many times that we're no longer just a one-night stand, but a dependable call-girl who is almost eager to prostitute herself. Isn't it sad? Isn't it pathetic? In our media, in our clothing, in our politics, we bow before the U.S. Our version of Conservatism is simply a copy-cat of American Replublicanism. And guess what? That isn't how our country started. At Canada's birth so to speak, it was specifically decided that we wouldn't do things like our American neighbours. Obviously, we don't know who we are anymore. We're nothing more than neighbours to the great empire of the U.S, who occasionally get a lollipop or two from them when we're good. The thing that really bothers me is how the rest of Canada bad-mouths Quebec. Yes, they are largely separatist, which is bad, because we want to have a nice big country, but I have to say I think Quebec is maybe the only province who has it right. If you've noticed their license plate, it says "Je me souviens", which means "I remember". They remember their history, they remember where they came from and how they fought to keep their own distinct culture and language. If you go there, you will see their culture is very distinct, and of course, they haven't given in to speaking english. They speak french. There isn't a Starbucks on every corner. If anything, I think we should look to them for guidance. I don't claim to know anything about Quebecois politics, but I admire their obstinacy in staying true to their history. From what I've gathered, they certainly don't appreciate the colonial attitude the rest of Canada suffers from. Here is a little food for thought:

O Canada
Our Home and Native Land,
True patriot love, the Empire does command.
With glowing hearts, we hear thee rise,
THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER strong and free.
From far and wide, O Canada
We bow to the New Romans dutifully.
God keep our land, glorious and free,
O Canada, do we stand on guard for thee?
O Canada, how do we stand on guard for thee?
O Canada,
Where pines and maples grow.
Great prairies spread and the
Empire it does grow.
How dear to us their broad domain,
the sun rarely sets on it,
Thou land of hope for all who toil,
Thou TRUE NORTH on bended knee.
God keep our land glorious and free,
O Canada, we sacrifice to the south for thee.
O Canada, we genuflect to the south for thee.
O Canada,
beneath thy shining skies,
American CEOs sons and daughters rise.
To keep us steadfast through the years,
American birds of prey and warbirds they do fly.
Our own beloved native land,
Our true north on bended knee.
Caeasar keep our land, glorious and free,
O NEW ROME, we stand on guard for thee,
O NEW ROMANS, we stand on guard for thee.
Ruler Supreme, Who hearest humble prayer,
WHO holds our Dominion in judicious care?
Help us to find, O God, in thee a lasting rich reward,
As waiting for the better day,
We both south to our real LORD.
God keep our land glorious and free,
O CANADA, how do we stand on guard for THEE?
O CANADA, do we stand on guard for THEE?

This version of the Canadian anthem was by Ron Dart, my political science prof. He is highly nationalistic. Yes, I may seem like a hyped-up university student, but the fact is, I'm right, and this version of the anthem is dead on.

I say it's time we develop a sense of self, develop some backbone, get rid of the freaking liberals... develop a real conservative party and stop scamming off the republicans. otherwise pretty soon, there will be absolutely nothing left of us.

i'm itchy, i wish you would come and scratch me

2005-11-22T16:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, so APPARENTLY, I don't post fast enough. Sorry Susan, I can't sit around blogging all day... and besides, my blog is pretty anonymous.. (so if you are reading this now, and you know who you are, please comment so I feel loved!) Anyways, the past couple days have been a whirlwind. Gwen on Sunday night, Stars last night. My word. I am a blessed girl. Gwen was so freaking amazing. She has so much stamina, so much personality, and my goodness, what an ass on her. She is hot like fire. And she's 36! I would be lucky to look as good as her at my age, and she's 16 years older than me. Needless to say, it was a spectacular show. SPECTACULAR.

Stars last night were also amazing. Not quite at the level of Broken Social Scene, but they were pretty great. After standing around for like 4 hours.. first in line outside, then inside waiting for the first opening band, then the second, they finally started playing at about 11:30. But it was a great show. I was right in front, leaning against the stage. I had Amy (the girl singer and lead guitarist I think) and Evan (the bassist) right in front of me. I got to touch them several times. yay me! I never saw what they looked like before, but they definitely weren't what I expected. To the unknowing eye, one might think Amy was a somewhat frumpy housewife. But what a personality on her, and a voice. She sounds like a fairy or something. And she's pretty great at guitar. Not like I would know what's good or anything, but I was impressed. It was just a good time in general. I met up with a bunch of friends and just had so much pure ridiculous fun. I also met (and was frequently hit on by throughout the show) a photographer for the band. He was actually kind of cute and I half regret not getting his number, because he gets into basically every show for free. Sweet deal hey? But then again, using people is never a good idea...

I am sad. I missed out on my chance of getting tickets to Coldplay. I didn't realize they were on sale when they were. Oh well. It's better this way. I am broke, and think I've had my concert fill for a while. Actually... I think I could go to a show a week and not get sick of it. Live music is my happy place.

Below are pictures of both concerts. Feast your eyes. I hope you can tell which concert is which. Actually, you'd be pretty dense not to.

Mid-concert, I decided I needed to capture the moment.

To the left, Tessa, Sophie, Jake, Me.... yes... we MEANT to look that way. Tami and I below. Do I look weird or what? It's the angle. Jeepers, I am awfully pale.

Gwen is so hot. SOO HOT. Who doesn't have a crush on her?

Gwen is so hot. I want to be her friend. I know I already said something to that affect, but it can never be repeated too many times.

we're so bitchin' love, we're rolling in cashmere, got it in fifth gear baby, diamond in the rough is looking so sparkling

2005-11-20T15:19:00.000-08:00

GWEN STEFANI TONIGHT!! With my sister! YAY! I'm soo excited. I am listening to her now, and I can't handle it. She rocks. This concert tonight is going to be so tight. I will be sure to post photos. Yessssss......

I haven't posted much this past week or done anything to this blog because I've been having troubles with my computer. It only just started working. Thank goodness. I have two research papers I need to start and finish over the next couple of days, so I'm fairly relieved that it is working now.

The other night I watched a 2 hour documentary on Mark David Chapman, also known as the guy who killed John Lennon. It was really quite fascinating. Or creepy. Or sad.. something like that. He was a very disturbed individual, who I don't think ever found out what it means to just be yourself, and be content. He was always trying to find his identity through something outside of himself... first he was Beatles obsessed, (he had a little doll collection called the "little people" who he would perform with or something) then Beatles obsessed as well as a complete hippie, then he turned to the opposite extreme to become a Jesus Freak type Christian (not like I think there's anything wrong with that, but more than anything he just got all caught up in the whole counter-hippie crazed movement at the time), and then went on to being a camp counsellor etc etc... there is a lot more, and I don't know why i'm getting so into telling you all this. The point is, his favourite book was Catcher in the Rye, the same as me! And get this... Holden Caulfield was part of the reason why he killed John Lennon. He thought John Lennon was basically the epitome of the "phonies" of which Holden complains of hating so much. Poor Mark Chapman. I think he was a little insane, and took a good book way out of context. aaaanyways. I wonder what the world of music would be like if John Lennon had lived...

Today at church I had the lovely little surprise of seeing my dear friend Lindsey, who lives in Armstrong, also known as the middle of nowhere... just kidding. a little. I was really excited. She's 6 months pregnant by the way, and super cute. Her and Dave (her husband) are possibly the cutest couple that ever lived. They half make me wish I was in love. Only half though.

our faces split the coast in half

2005-11-14T19:41:00.000-08:00

BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE!!! AMAZING. That concert kicked ass, I have to say. This whole weekend, in fact, has been pretty damn amazing. Of course, I am sick with the flu now, possibly because I knew I was getting sick and didn't take a second to rest, but it was so worth it. I only wish I could relive that concert. The band was so skilled. Seriously. There were about 12 members playing at once, and it wasn't chaotic or disorganized. They just went up there like nothing, and kicked ass. It was insanity. I especially loved how for "Almost Crimes" (a classic), the lead singer (Justin Peroff) invited whoever to get up on stage and dance. I was pretty far away, but my friend Laura and I were determined. we pushed with all our might through all the people to get up there. it took effort, but it was worth it. for the entire song, i was bopping around like a maniac, about 6 inches away from justin peroff. it was one of the best moments i've ever experienced. I felt warm and uplifted, like I was connected to everyone in the audience. There was so much love all around. at the end of the song, i got to shake hands with most of them, and in a daze, quickly professed my love. what i liked even more about the band was how non-pretentious they were. unlike the million scenesters in the audience who were decked out in their ultra-indie gear (many of the guys i'm SURE use hair straighteners to get that mellow, emo look just right), the band looked pretty ordinary. they totally refuted everything all these groupies obsess over, by getting up there, and not trying to fit an image. instead, they got up and simply blew us away with how talented they were. if only i had taken pictures. oh well, i did get a pretty great t-shirt. not to worry though. next week, gwen stefani followed by stars are on the agenda. i will be sure to post fantastic pictures of everything, so that all of you who don't get to go (boohoo), can live vicariously through me.

by the way, is it in any way sad that it is monday and i am already fantasizing about the next top model? i've decided it's not.... a show about modelling is educational in its own way. i mean, there is something to be said for having to whip up a creative outfit in three minutes. not just any pretty face can do that. i hope lisa gets cut though. she may have talent, but what 23 year old pees in a diaper? seriously.

i've heard it all before and i can take care of myself

2005-11-12T00:23:00.000-08:00

MAN. I am listening to Madonna's new CD (confessions on a dance floor) that I downloaded a couple days ago. I can't stop listening to it. It is so addicting. It makes me want to go to a rave and dance for 12 hours straight. I wouldn't even need drugs for energy, because the music is so wicked. I think over the past couple of days I have gotten a considerable amount of cardio in just from dancing around the house..... it is actually impossible for me to play this cd and not start moving.
so anyways.. it's been a really long time since i've posted on this blog. like a looong time. but i've decided to start again. So it is official. You are witnessing the resurrection of my blog. it is going to be sweeeet. i think i'll actually start posting pictures of my ultra-fabulous life as well... so goody! pictures are always nice. especially when they're of me.... should i just make this blog a shrine to myself? full of carolinisisms? I am partially kidding. i have this theory that blogging is pretty much a means to make yourself whatever you want to be perceived as, so i figure, why not just be extravagantly narcissistic, since this is probably the only place that can really allow me to do that? i could of course, write all my profound intelligent thoughts, post pieces of art that inspire me, poetry that organically connects me to the earth and humankind, etc etc.. but frankly, how pretentious is that? (no offense for all you lovely people who choose to do that). i am a university student, so the last thing i need is another place to try to prove my intelligence. of course it is only inevitable that my brain will take the spotlight now and then, but i don't want to try harder than necessary to prove a point to people. this blog is going to be my means of escape, procrastination, and the like. yesssssss........

i was actually thinking it would be cool to start a book review thing.. where every couple of weeks i review a book i read. it would totally take over Oprah's book club. that would be pretty sweet.

oh, and music lists.. like.. "caroline's playlist of the week".

You know, posting on things i enjoy, basically. so maybe i'll start doing that. it will be as though this blog has a theme.... but most likely i won't stick to things like that. i don't like structure.

here are a couple of self portraits i took the other day when i decided it was much more important to take pictures of myself than to study for a test i had the next day. this is why i get next to no work done... it is also consistent with the narcissistic theme of this blog. enjoy.

2005-11-12T00:17:00.000-08:00

My musings on Quebec thus far..

2005-05-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

It is similar to Europe because...
*the street signs are posted on the walls of buildings (like in Italy and France).
*fruit and vegetables are often packaged and priced already.
*They have "Vittel" water
*The men tend to stare a little too long and a little too hard with noticable drool.. All the other ones are quite hot and charming.
*There are tons of sidewalk cafes and bistros, chocolateries and bakeries.
*Everyone drinks beer/wine with their meal, and most people smoke.
*gelato is easy to come by.
*Everything is old (In Vieux Quebec anyways- "vieux" means old, so obviously it's old there)
*There are so many amazing art galleries and jewellery stores.
*starbucks is nowhere to be seen- they do coffee well enough that they don't needs it's help
*Baguettes, crepes, croissants, etc, are very popular.
*people who dress "punk" tend to go for tight pants and combat boots.
*Ah, the ringing of church bells!
*Grocery stores have their own wine/beer aisle, and you'll find tall boys at the corner store.

It's still obviously Canadian because..
*in every souvenir shop, there are Canadian t-shirts that say "eh" and of course, large varieties of maple syrup and Canadian mounty crap.
*you don't have to pay to pee.
*they give refills for coffee, and don't have a line on the cup that they don't pour past.
*they have the same prime minister as the rest of us.. (okay, that was a cheap one)
*there are Canadian flags around (but not many, there are way more Quebec flags).
*the hilles/tree/nature looks like Canada.
*stores like Prada and Dior are hard to find- the Bay is here though, and even le chateau! How smashing!
*There aren't many beamers and Mercedes- toyota, honda, etc, prowl the streets.
*people don't drive insanely fast.
*the weather is weird and retarded. It's cold and i hate the cold!! 2 days ago, it was 27 degrees, and then the next day is went down to zero, and really windy. Tres bizarre!

On tipping...

2005-05-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

So, I am here in Quebec city right now, and everything I am going to write on it thus far is simply going to be based on my initial observations. But here's a little experience I had a couple days ago which blew my mind, and kind of infuriated me. So, there we were, my mom and I were at a restaurant, and we were supposed to go to the front to pay. So my mom is paying on interac- there is no thing that comes up asking how much tip to add. When she finished, my mom was on her way to our table to leave a tip. Unfortunately, this wretched waitress assumed my mom wasn't leaving one, and decided to take it upon herself to inform her. "Excuse me, but did you not enjoy the service?" She said. My mom replied yes, etc etc.. I really couldn't believe the audacity this girl had. In simpler terms, she was a complete bitch. She decided to loudly and publicly explain how as a waitress, she depended on tips, decided to break down the tipping process, etc etc.. Nothing none of us don't already know. After all that, so as not to make a scene, my mom left her a tip as she had originally intended to do. We both left the restaurant appalled. I couldn't believe how rude this girl was. I don't know if she thought we were stupid tourists or what, but no matter what, no matter who it is, what she did was unacceptable. There is no sign that says it is necessary to tip. Technically, if one pays for his food, he should be allowed to leave the restaurant without subjection to public humiliation and treatment as though he is some sort of thief. He may not leave with a warm fuzzy feeling inside, but that's his CHOICE. If a person wants to be cheap, that's his choice- he's only be cheap, not breaking a law. In Canada, in the Charter of Rights, we are given the freedom of choice- the freedom to tip or not- it is simply a sign of gratuity. I don't know if it's a Quebec thing, a french thing, or simply a bitch thing, but tipping is still an unwritten rules, and if a person isn't appreciative of the service he received, tough. The waitress will simply have to grin and bear it- I don't care where she lives. Oh, and by the way, the girl had the nerve to make a big deal of it even though she had forgotten our drinks. Give me a break!

Just so you know...

2005-05-09T18:13:00.001-07:00

In light of the fact that I only created this blog today, there is most likely no one who yet knows about it. But just in case you (and you know who you are) come meandering along and stumble across it, don't assume that this is all there is to it. I promise it will get better... but not yet. I am leaving tomorrow for Quebec for six weeks, where I will pursue my goals of learning french. Upon my return home, I will devote some time (probably too much) to improving it, and making it an interesting place to look when boredom takes over.

Glamour Puss

2005-05-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

I've made a very important decision. Earth shattering, really. I'm going to start wearing red nail polish. All the time. On my fingernails. I never normally do my nails because who has the time for stuff like that? Obviously not me, with such a busy pants dropping schedule... uhh or maybe not. But nevertheless, I painted my finger and toe nails bright red the other day. Having red fingernails especially does something in bringing out the glamourous side of me. Gauranteed, well done nails in bright red will give you an instant boost and make you feel like a glamourous queen. It worked for me. I'm kind of on a whole wannabe princess/diva binge, so painting my nails red is my way of humouring myself. Everyone needs their own little self induldent rituals, and this is mine. I love it.