lots of thoughts whirring about, which one to choose

this semester has so far been quite eventful. i've done the traditional student thing, and slightly changed the direction of my degree, which at the time felt like a pretty significant deal... "does this mean i'm giving up my dream?" was a question that tormented me. i've decided that it doesn't. it's just re-direction. the passion and motivation is all still there... most of the time anyway. save when it comes to papers.

i know that 21 is incredibly young. but sometimes i fear that i'm old already. i fear time passing me by, not being able to achieve everything i want to achieve... will i ever speak multiple languages? will i ever get over my fear of public speaking, over my tendancy to stutter, to say what is on my mind? will i grow into myself enough to have the confidence i need to go out on a limb to make changes i feel need to be made? i fear the passing of time, because it's so subtle, and if you don't actively make the effort to grow and learn, you don't. i fear that change won't be made.

sometimes, when i look at the world at large, i am overcome by sadness. possibly because last week i saw two really heavy movies just about back to back, but it nonetheless jerked me into reality. first i saw Babel, then Blood Diamond. i would highly recommend both of them, but i warn you, they are movies that expose the truth: the truth that what we uphold as greatness is in fact laden with ugliness, pain, suffering. i feel it is my responsibility to do something about all this ugliness, be i one small person. but how can i do something when i myself am so ugly, so hypocritical, so a part of everything i at once hate?

i don't feel like writing endlessly about this, because we all know how this internal argument usually goes. i'm just saying, is all.

in other news, i'm living a fairly eventful life these days. for the first time in my life i had a date for valentines day, and over the past week i went to a baroque exhibit at a nearby art gallery, i went to the opera (daphne, by strauss), and last night some friends and i went to this old jazz bar with some of the most incredible live jazz i've ever heard, i positively got chills up my spine. and now it's reading break: aka, read anything but textbooks and have fun break. yaaay!

i'm so good! i'm actually posting on my blog!

would you believe...

...that i haven't posted since november 12, 2006? and let's be honest, it was a bad post. i've become so indifferent to blogging that i kind of gave up. but i think i'll start again, because blogging is a great means of procrastination and feeling like i have something important to do, so.... i'll give it my best shot. i wonder if anyone even looks at this thing anyway?

whatever, i'm going to start again. maybe i'll even turn my posts into something meaningful. but let's not get our hopes up too high.

i think i'm going to end this one now. but tomorrow will be the start of something great.

ãmittõ, mittere, misi missum

i just came across something kind of interesting. the latin for "to lose" also means "to let go". maybe the two really mean the same thing. maybe all this time we've been saying we've "let go" of what's bad for us, in truth, we lost it first.

i've officially become a grown up. why you ask?

because i have vices. a lot of them.
i have officially become dependent on caffiene. i've been drinking coffee and tea for years, but i don't think it was ever at the point where literally all my energy was coming from them. it used to be i drank them because i enjoyed them. now i drink them because i enjoy getting through the day in one piece.

others vices... let's see...
alcohol.
cigarettes.
men who hurt me.
peanut butter.

i remember being a little kid and hearing adults talking about "adult" things. well it's official. i'm now one of them too. i'm tired and don't have time to take care of myself.

another day, another dollar.

well, i'm sitting here in my living room, roommate Laurenn sitting across from me, studying. yep, i'm studying. hard at work. the silence is broken only by the thick vibrations of my entire house when a bus drives by, or by the sound of Steve, the old taxi driver who rents the suite behind us, whose persistent hacking reminds us to avoid cigarettes whenever such cravings beckon. the chill in the air reminds me that summer is becoming nothing more than a memory, and my dear little computer is begging me to press its buttons.

ps- this is my kitchen.

don't cry over spilled milk.

So, i obviously don't blog anymore. i half forgot it existed. but i think i'll start up again, eventually. i recently purchased a macbook computer, and it is pretty crazy the stuff i can do with this thing. i could probaby whip this blog into amazing shape and create a cult following. well, we'll see about that...

so, in more exciting news, i moved to victoria, finally, and have made the transfer to uvic. i am loving living in victoria so far. i am so happy to finally be moved out on my own. it's about damn time. needless to say, the place i'm living is pretty incredible. i will say more, and maybe even put up some pictures soon... but not now, because i haven't technically had the internet connected to my house yet, and am running off a really sketchy wireless connection that may or may not last through my typing of this post. so until next time, which i promise to my audience which has probably dwindled down to zero, that there is more in store.

a sort of not quite ode to romanticism or something of that general nature.

it is certain that reason is inextricibly linked with our humanity. one cannot possibly separate our day to day, moment to moment decisions from that word so popular among the enlightened... reason is always there, guiding us along. this is reasons place. i'm no sailor, but let's call reason the map. it tells us the general direction we need to go. however, sometimes it's inaccurate. reason is not always reflective of our drive, our passions, the intonnation of our beating heart. the enlightened tend to forget this. extremists go so far as to overlook that reason can also be deceptive. brilliant, almost flawless logic can be used to justify some of the worst decisions ever made. in this way, reason is just as abstract as following one's heart, as following what we may perhaps call instinct. now, remove the map from the picture, and instinct serves as a compass, telling one where to go even though there are no points plotted before him. the compass has a mind of its own. you can't quite draw it out on paper, you can't quite grasp it in your hand, and you sure as hell can't predict its every move or back up previous moves with logic. but it exists nonetheless, and has baffled many with its accuracy. go figure.